Abuse Addiction

abuse

I once had a friend that would repeatedly sing the “Somebody That I Used To Know” song to me. It was meant to be mean. It was meant to be degrading. There he was thinking he was so much cooler than me and that his words would be daggers. And there I was, hoping he would take notice of all my attempts to be part of his inner circle.  I never wanted to lose him as a friend.

Looking back, that girl seeking approval is simply a girl I used to know. I created relationships in my past that I now shake my head at.

How could I have been so naive? How could I have allowed myself to be treated that way? They say we accept the love we think we deserve, and it is pretty obvious I once truly believed I was deserving of absolutely nothing.

I thought I was worth painful words and vicious cycles. I thought I was ugly, dumb, and pretty damn worthless. I always felt less than those around me and it showed. People began treating me the way I felt and I was addicted to it all. I was addicted to getting small glimpses of hope that those that were so mean to me actually cared about me from time to time.

What is it about abuse that some people get addicted to? It’s almost as though you like to hear all that is wrong with you from another person’s lips just so you can turn around and try to change their mind about you.

I told myself I would never be “that girl.” The girl that would allow a relationship to take over her life. Boy, was I wrong. I quickly became that girl and I quickly began to hate her. She was so poor of spirit and heart. She really had no idea she was worthy of so much more.

It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom that I was forced to look at the broken girl I had become along the way. She was shattered into small pieces all across the floor. She was lost, confused and oh so depleted of energy. I felt bad for this girl so I decided it was my job to transform her.

She started going the gym and became obsessive with her diet. Okay, maybe that wasn’t so healthy but at least it was a step in the right direction. Extremes were the norm in my early 20’s. I was always trying to push some limit or button.

As superficial as it sounds, as my body transformed, my mind and spirit transformed along with it. For once, I was in control of my body, mind and spirit. The truth was, I had always been in control of all of that.

I realized I was also in control of how people treated me. People treat you the way you allow them to and I let those around me treat me like dirt. I decided to only accept those that would lift me up instead of those that would drag me through their mud. Yes, my circle of friends has shrunk but I have become so much larger than I ever thought I would.

I now know I am worthy of it all. The whole deal, the real deal. I am deserving of so much love and capable of giving it. My heart has so much love for those who make it into my inner circle. Forget it, my heart has so much love for all of humanity. I once was somebody that I used to know, I am now somebody who I full-heartedly know. I know I can manifest positivity and love around me as well as within me and that is all that I will ever need to know…

 

Stuck in the Middle With You: How Millennials Can Find Happiness Before Finding Success

midle

I was mindlessly watching a show last night. I do not watch much TV, but I do enjoy the company of the background noise. As I sat in the dark, some words began dancing in my heart. It was a show about a single mom raising her kids and she looked at her daughter and told her the truth about life. She said life is not always perfect, we are constantly trying to figure ourselves out and that’s okay. But the most important thing she said was something along the lines of: Because even if you just get some job to make it through life, life can still be pretty amazing. Even at the most shittiest times, life is glorious.

I stared at the TV then back at my computer, then straight into the looking glass of my life. Of course, there is a difference between settling and forging forward but there is certainly something sweet about being “in the middle.” I wake up every morning knowing I am in the middle and smiling because one day this middle will become some of the best moments of my life.

While growing up, I always thought I would have it all figured out while in my 20’s. Was I wrong? Maybe. Was I kind of right? Yes. I have figured out what my heart is passionate about. I have figured out how to create healthy and long lasting relationships. I have figured out not to enter the world of extremes just to see what happens. I have figured out what makes me upset and what I will simply not tolerate. I have figured out what I don’t want to do. I have figured out I am full of love and I want to share it with the world. I have figured out what my gifts are. So no, I don’t have it ALL figured out. No, I am not writing books in a cabin in the woods somewhere. But yes, I am getting there.

I am not one to give up on myself or the dreams I had while I was a little girl, but I am a realist and I am in the middle of finding that balance within my mind. I am in the middle of embracing my gifts and being confident in my abilities and talents. Of course, a part of me is still a terrified little girl but the other part is a Beyonce type warrior woman. I have worked hard to get to where I am. And while I am not exactly where I want to end up, I give myself grace to enjoy this “in the middle” moment. I understand I don’t have it all figured out, but I also understand that I will probably never have it all figured out and that is okay. If I can find my happiness now, I will remain happy throughout every stage of life. Because even at it’s shittiest, life is still pretty glorious.

The Holiday Haze

Holiday Shopping Cart

Get the tree, buy the presents, send the cards, buy the groceries. The holidays can be a stressful time. A lot of us seem to forget that the holidays are not about stuff. They are not about breaking the bank or buying the biggest gift for the person you love. They are about creating new memories. They are about sitting around a table with people you love. Holidays are about sharing moments with family or people who have become your family throughout the years.

I remember growing up and staying up all night just to get a glimpse of Santa. I was in that same Holiday haze. I just wanted stuff, stuff and more stuff. My list was endless and my hopes were high. Somewhere along the line I realized Santa was my dad and Christmas was about my family.

As a child, Christmas was about the sacrifice my parents made just so that I could have every single gift on my list sitting under the tree christmas morning. I always wondered why Santa wrote just like my dad but now I realize Santa was symbolic. Santa was constructed so I could get excited about something. Santa was constructed so my eyes would sparkle.

My eyes sparkle now because of something entirely different. They sparkle because my family is happy and healthy. They sparkle because my family has and always will be my number one support system. They sparkle because I have all the stuff any girl could ever want. If you asked me to make a Christmas list it would literally be blank. I just want to eat delicious food with my family and reminisce about where we have been and where we will be.

And while the holidays are intertwined with consumerism, I now see that not all holiday haze is bad. When it involves losing sight of what and who is important it can be dangerous. But when holiday haze is about losing yourself in conversations with loved ones it can be strikingly beautiful. I have never loved Santa so much. Thank you, Santa for showing me what Christmas is really about.