I once had a friend that would repeatedly sing the “Somebody That I Used To Know” song to me. It was meant to be mean. It was meant to be degrading. There he was thinking he was so much cooler than me and that his words would be daggers. And there I was, hoping he would take notice of all my attempts to be part of his inner circle. I never wanted to lose him as a friend.
Looking back, that girl seeking approval is simply a girl I used to know. I created relationships in my past that I now shake my head at.
How could I have been so naive? How could I have allowed myself to be treated that way? They say we accept the love we think we deserve, and it is pretty obvious I once truly believed I was deserving of absolutely nothing.
I thought I was worth painful words and vicious cycles. I thought I was ugly, dumb, and pretty damn worthless. I always felt less than those around me and it showed. People began treating me the way I felt and I was addicted to it all. I was addicted to getting small glimpses of hope that those that were so mean to me actually cared about me from time to time.
What is it about abuse that some people get addicted to? It’s almost as though you like to hear all that is wrong with you from another person’s lips just so you can turn around and try to change their mind about you.
I told myself I would never be “that girl.” The girl that would allow a relationship to take over her life. Boy, was I wrong. I quickly became that girl and I quickly began to hate her. She was so poor of spirit and heart. She really had no idea she was worthy of so much more.
It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom that I was forced to look at the broken girl I had become along the way. She was shattered into small pieces all across the floor. She was lost, confused and oh so depleted of energy. I felt bad for this girl so I decided it was my job to transform her.
She started going the gym and became obsessive with her diet. Okay, maybe that wasn’t so healthy but at least it was a step in the right direction. Extremes were the norm in my early 20’s. I was always trying to push some limit or button.
As superficial as it sounds, as my body transformed, my mind and spirit transformed along with it. For once, I was in control of my body, mind and spirit. The truth was, I had always been in control of all of that.
I realized I was also in control of how people treated me. People treat you the way you allow them to and I let those around me treat me like dirt. I decided to only accept those that would lift me up instead of those that would drag me through their mud. Yes, my circle of friends has shrunk but I have become so much larger than I ever thought I would.
I now know I am worthy of it all. The whole deal, the real deal. I am deserving of so much love and capable of giving it. My heart has so much love for those who make it into my inner circle. Forget it, my heart has so much love for all of humanity. I once was somebody that I used to know, I am now somebody who I full-heartedly know. I know I can manifest positivity and love around me as well as within me and that is all that I will ever need to know…