I fell to my knees the other day when I realized someone I knew got what I had always wanted.
It should have been me, I thought. I deserve that more. I have worked so much harder. I am better than this feeling of self-doubt and hopelessness, that I know.
Growing up, people always tell you the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side of the fence.
Is this because the grass only seems greener on the other side because it is not your grass? Is the grass on the other side the same as your grass just less complicated because you don’t have to actually maintain it yourself?
I wish I had the answers to all of these mind-boggling questions…but I don’t, and that’s totally okay. I do know I try to always be happy with the life that I have. I try to stay in the present moment as much as I possibly can. I have found this is the best way to avoid anxiety about an uncertain future. And while this is true, I caught myself wishing I was something or someone else today. We all have our moments of weakness, and today, I had mine.
I felt weak because I was vulnerable for a minute and second guessed my current position in life. I called up my nearest girlfriend and let all my negative emotion out. It felt relieving. I then realized this was a “Is the grass really greener on the other side?” moment for me.
I then had a greener grass epiphany… My grass is as green as I make it, dammit! That other person’s grass seems fine and dandy but what lies under the surface might not be.
I love myself more than I ever have. I have accomplished more than I ever thought I would. At 20 something, I am more of a woman than I would have ever imagined I could be.
No, I don’t have the 2.5 kids I thought I would by now. No, I am not legally married. No, I don’t have the blue shutters and the rocking chair on the porch like I thought I would. But guess what? I have a peace within my soul I never thought I could have. I have a genuine smile on my face and have nurtured my heart to the point where I have huge amounts of love to offer the world.
My grass might seem greener to some and their grass might seem greener to others, but every lawn requires maintenance. Some maintenance takes longer and requires more hard work, while other maintenance might involve more injury. Either way, I own my grass and am proud of what has flourished on my side of the fence.