Why My 20s Are The Best And Worst Years Of My Life

best, fast, brain, 25, time, irony, naive,worst, 20, 30, 20s, 30s, life, grow, learn, limits, death, rock, bottom, test, age, time, lessons, know, knew, human, love, integrity, wrong, young, heart, I remember being 16. I remember being 11. Anything before that is a complete blur. And after 16, I just remember turning 20. At 20, I knew it all. I was invincible. I was all that and so much more. If someone called, I never answered. If someone wanted to tell me otherwise, I never listened.

21 was always near death. I was testing every and any limit. How much alcohol could my body take? How fast could my car go? How much abuse could my heart handle?

Thinking back, my early 20s were pretty horrific. If pain is glory, then my early 20s were pretty glorious. I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be. I had a plan I thought would one day magically come together but I was doing everything to keep that from happening. Ironic, huh?

My early 20s were full of irony. I was full of naivety.

At 21, I hit my rock bottom. By 22, I was trying to piece my life back together. I was more lost than I had ever been before. I wanted to meet rejects like me so I did. I hung out with them night and day and thought I was just like them. I was living a double-life as if I had learned absolutely nothing from my troubled past.

By 23, I was still stumbling. I kept falling like baby Bambi.

They say by 25 your brain stops developing and your values become set in stone. It’s true, by 25, I wanted life to hurry the f up. I was tired of making mistakes and decided it was time to settle down. My mind and body felt older than they ever had before. By this point, I knew who I was. I had become a person filled with love, happiness, and integrity.

How did that happen? From 23 to 25 I had grown up. I was still working at my kid job, but there I was, putting in my time and dedication. I learned that inconsistency was a thing of my past and that if you ever want to be respected you must be consistent in everything that you do.

One thing is for sure, I have never loved myself as much as I do today. I am now officially in my late 20s and so proud of my journey. I am proud of every one of my scars. I am proud of all the things I didn’t know that I eventually learned. I am looking forward to learning so much more, about not only myself but humanity in general.

My 20s have been turbulent, to say the least. They have been more beautiful than I ever thought they could be. They have taught me who I am and who I never want to be. They have shown me I am valuable, special and loved.

Above all, they have proved to me that I still have so much more to learn. And so much more to see, feel and listen to. And while I might think I have it all figured out now, I am sure my 30s will prove me to be extremely wrong.

Love Deeply and Forever,


Why Abusive Relationships Happen

abuse, relationship, abusive, hurt, pain, violence, love, cycle, vicious, family, dating, romantic, monster I used to be in an abusive relationship. It was purely circumstantial at first. It quickly became a dangerous habit I could not shake.

I fell hard for someone who could never love me the way I loved them. I fell hard for someone who would never understand what love ever really meant. I fell in love with someone who wanted to hurt others and themselves. I fell hard for someone who simply did not care about me.

There’s one thing I have learned about life, and that is to never live with regret. I don’t regret my choice to love someone who could not love me back. However, I do feel saddened to know I continued to love someone who could never love me back for as long as I did.

The vicious cycle went on for years. I was at a low point in my life where nothing made sense. For some reason, running after something (that was not even real) seemed like the best option.

Things began horrible and ended even worse. I lost myself as well as my dignity. Friends and foes saw the pain within me and advised me to turn my life around. I never listened.

I always thought I would never be that girl. The girl who was in the abusive relationship. The girl who didn’t value herself enough to move on and be strong.

But guess what? I became that girl. I became the girl that I thought was so stupid in the past. The girl that I needed to shake in order to snap her out of it. I became this monster along with the monster sitting next to me. And I have to say, the monster taught me a lot about myself.

It hurts me to even write this right now. I am in tears. This is a chapter of my life that I do not like to revisit too often, but when I do, I have an array of emotions associated with it.

I loved and I loved hard. I loved harder than I thought I ever could. I loved a person who I thought understood me more than anyone had before. And for that, I am thankful.

But really, when I think about it, it was not really so much love as it was an addictively painful cycle. A cycle that we fell into so often. A cycle that hurt us both. And a cycle that I had to let go of.

It wasn’t until one day his mother told me, “I urge you to please leave my son. I love you to death. You’re amazing. However, I feel you will either kill each other or hurt each other to the point of no return.”

And so, like a grain of salt, I kept seeing him. I kept running after the unattainable. I kept needing to know the reason why I was never loved in return.

Until finally, one day, I fell into a hole. A hole that I couldn’t even climb out of alone. I climbed into this hole and found myself in a place I never thought I’d be.

The only people who lifted me up in that moment was my family. After all those years of neglecting myself… After all those years of abusing myself… The only people who loved me enough to pull me out of that hole was my family.

I will never forget the look on their faces when they saved me from myself. Or the pain in my heart when I saw the pain I had caused everyone.

But guess what? I’m here, I’m alive, I’m strong, and I’m more valiant than ever. I’m the strongest woman I could ever be. I admire myself for my tenacity. I admire myself for letting go and not going on with something I knew was so wrong for me.

I don’t regret it and I will surely never forget it. I know that on the other side of it all, I found a little girl who just wanted to be loved. And here I am today, full of so much love in my heart, for not only myself, but all those around me. Full of love for the love of my life. I am reminded everyday to love gentler, love deeper, and love harder.

It’s not only about loving others, it’s about loving yourself. I love myself more than I ever have. So, I have to thank myself for all the lessons in love and move further in the direction of positivity until the end of time.

Love Deeply and Forever,


Abuse Addiction


I once had a friend that would repeatedly sing the “Somebody That I Used To Know” song to me. It was meant to be mean. It was meant to be degrading. There he was thinking he was so much cooler than me and that his words would be daggers. And there I was, hoping he would take notice of all my attempts to be part of his inner circle.  I never wanted to lose him as a friend.

Looking back, that girl seeking approval is simply a girl I used to know. I created relationships in my past that I now shake my head at.

How could I have been so naive? How could I have allowed myself to be treated that way? They say we accept the love we think we deserve, and it is pretty obvious I once truly believed I was deserving of absolutely nothing.

I thought I was worth painful words and vicious cycles. I thought I was ugly, dumb, and pretty damn worthless. I always felt less than those around me and it showed. People began treating me the way I felt and I was addicted to it all. I was addicted to getting small glimpses of hope that those that were so mean to me actually cared about me from time to time.

What is it about abuse that some people get addicted to? It’s almost as though you like to hear all that is wrong with you from another person’s lips just so you can turn around and try to change their mind about you.

I told myself I would never be “that girl.” The girl that would allow a relationship to take over her life. Boy, was I wrong. I quickly became that girl and I quickly began to hate her. She was so poor of spirit and heart. She really had no idea she was worthy of so much more.

It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom that I was forced to look at the broken girl I had become along the way. She was shattered into small pieces all across the floor. She was lost, confused and oh so depleted of energy. I felt bad for this girl so I decided it was my job to transform her.

She started going the gym and became obsessive with her diet. Okay, maybe that wasn’t so healthy but at least it was a step in the right direction. Extremes were the norm in my early 20’s. I was always trying to push some limit or button.

As superficial as it sounds, as my body transformed, my mind and spirit transformed along with it. For once, I was in control of my body, mind and spirit. The truth was, I had always been in control of all of that.

I realized I was also in control of how people treated me. People treat you the way you allow them to and I let those around me treat me like dirt. I decided to only accept those that would lift me up instead of those that would drag me through their mud. Yes, my circle of friends has shrunk but I have become so much larger than I ever thought I would.

I now know I am worthy of it all. The whole deal, the real deal. I am deserving of so much love and capable of giving it. My heart has so much love for those who make it into my inner circle. Forget it, my heart has so much love for all of humanity. I once was somebody that I used to know, I am now somebody who I full-heartedly know. I know I can manifest positivity and love around me as well as within me and that is all that I will ever need to know…