What Happens When Your Pet Dies

cat, kitten, kitty, bengal, pet, death, sad, broken, heart, cry, painI was traumatized at a young age. My cat was poisoned and I found him dead in the garage. I decided to never get attached to another animal if I could help it. I was too young then to really register the feelings that I felt on that horrific day. All I know is that I cried and cried until I had no tears left.

I thought I would never have to feel that level of pain again…

I met Marbel 11 years ago. She was the cutest little Bengal kitten I had ever seen. She looked more like a tiger than a cat. I watched her grow as a kitten and I became closer to her as she grew up.

It wasn’t always the best relationship. When I first became a “regular” visitor to Marbel, she hated me. She would jump on my face in the middle of the night and terrorize me as if to let me know that her owner was to be hers, and only hers, forever and ever.

I couldn’t believe the nerve of this cat. And I couldn’t believe my partner had raised such a spoiled brat. Time went on, and you could say I grew on her.

We shared weekends together snuggling while her dad was away and she became a big part of my life. Even though she was terrible, I began to love her. She was an extension of the man I loved and she became an extension of me. I would even joke around that she was a cat version of me.

Marbel was always a very vocal cat. She would always talk just to listen to the sound of her own voice. She could be annoying but at some point, you just wanted love on her. Well, she hated that too. And although she was a rebel without a cause, you couldn’t help but love the little runt.

Last year, Marbel got progressively loud and irritable. We got a kitten Bengal (Mowgli) in efforts to make her happy and playful again. That never happened. She hissed at our new baby cat and would scream and cry through the night.

Things got progressively worse when she decided the entire house was a litter box. The sicker she got, the more I started to love her. I can’t explain what it was, but I wanted her to just be a happy kitten again.

The time came when my partner had to make a very difficult decision. Marbel was the true love of his life and the decision must have been the most painful of his life.

We lost Marbel last week. I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t get to hug her one last time. It could have possibly been worse had I had those last moments with her. I did, however, give her water from the sink one last time. I do remember that moment, as I thought, “This might be the last time I turn on the faucet for you.”

I never understood the pain that comes with the loss of an animal until we lost Marbel. Although my childhood cat was poisoned so many years before, the pain this time around was unparalleled.

Marbel was our baby. She was an essential part of our lives. She was there for it all. She was there when I was desperately trying to get through grad school. She was there to comfort me when I was confronted with the ugly monster called Cancer.

She was there when my partner and I were at our happiest, saddest and even maddest. Marbel even had her own Christmas stocking and loved to sleep alongside her dad every night. She was like no other.

My sister said it best about losing her dog recently, “You’re just so busy loving them so hard that you never stop to think that one day they will be gone forever.” We know humans grow old and die, but we never stop to think that pets will do the same.

I was shattered when I heard the news. I couldn’t stop sobbing. Mostly because we often have to make a decision about our pets that we never have to make with humans. And it’s not fair. We will never know if they truly agreed with us. We will never know exactly what they felt in those last moments.

All I know is that I can’t stop crying when I think of her. I regret those days when I didn’t understand her yet. I miss those days when she would snuggle up next to me while I cried. She always knew how I felt. She always knew she was very loved.

I find myself calling out her name only to hear no response. The room is too quiet and my heart is too empty. The love of a pet goes deeper than the love of a human. I can’t explain how, but it does. Animals are such innocent creatures of the Universe and all they ever require is a whole lotta love.

I think of her precious face, and even her annoying meows, and it hurts. It will probably hurt forever. We built shelves and special beds for her throughout the house. She had her favorite spots even until the very end. And although she was upset most of the time, I know she always loved us as much as we loved her.

I still love you, Marbel, and I always will.

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen

What Does Your Age Say About You?

Since I can remember, I have always wanted to be a “grown up.” I wanted the highheels, the hair, the money, etc… I wanted to rush to the finish line before I even knew what that entailed.

I wanted to sprint through all the stages in life and end up at that state of perfection so many books and movies portray.

At 20-something, I am closer to there than here. I am no longer young enough to make excuses as to why “I didn’t know.” Or am I?

I work in the wonderful world of auto finance where experience means everything. The longer you’ve been in the business, the more people will respect you.

Or so I thought.

I used to cringe when I used to walk into a prospective clients office. I thought, “Omg, they are judging me because I am basically like 5 years old trying to act like I know what I am talking about.” Not only that, but the business is dominated by males and I feared being judged for simply being a female as well.

As the years went by, I realized people will always judge you. People will judge the way you walk, talk and simply are. People will always try to maneuver themselves in order to get what they want because, well, we are all human.

Most of what I do is sales and most of what I hear all day is bullshit. No matter the person’s age, the bullshit is the same with a variation in presentation. Some people like the more educated approach while others prefer the friendlier approach. Regardless of the packaging, the contents remains unchanged.

This is exactly how I feel about age. It is a number, a category we have made up to make sense of the world around us.

We place people in the below 20 category or in the above 50 category in order to classify the many people who populate this earth. I get the categories but they do not explain much about the people who make them up.

Experience speaks volume about people as do personal accomplishments. Life events can alter a person’s “age” by making them grow up much quicker than most. In reality, age is relative.

I am 28 but I know I have lived more life than many other 28 year olds. On the other hand, I know 28 year olds who already have multiple children and businesses of their own.

I try to not discriminate people based on any one factor. No matter their age, demographic, or life circumstance. It is easier said than done, I know.

Age is nothing but another category used to separate ourselves from each other.

I say, let’s love and accept blindly. Let’s put our prejudices aside and simply see people for who they are, rather than see them for their age or tax bracket.

I now realize my age really says nothing about me. It’s a number a fill out on forms and I want to live to fill out many more forms to come. I love to speak and learn from people of all ages because they have lived through distinct personal experiences and life lessons that shape who they are today.

My age says I am fortunate to be alive today, what does yours say?

Choose acceptance. Choose to open your heart to all.

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen

Why I Let My Dreams Die

strong, bansky, art, school, college, graduate, learn, plans, proactive, action, love, meaning, dreams, dead, alive, life, passion, follow dream, lonely, limits, change, scared, terrified, stuck, frozen, writing, fall, killer, murderer, power, growthI have always had big dreams. I have always been a fierce girl with hopes of materializing these dreams one day. My dream has been to write and here I am fulfilling it every chance I get. I write to breathe and I breathe to write.

Growing up, I was a lonely only child for many years. I would often talk to myself and play by myself. I soon learned that my thoughts could be transcribed onto paper and my love began there.

Paper could never judge me. Paper would never betray me. Paper would never stop listening.

I went to college, got my Master’s and did all that jazz. I learned to push myself to my limits. I was never smart. I had to always try a little harder than those other naturally gifted kids. But I did it. I graduated with honors as a first generation Latina.

I wrote my way through college and graduated wondering, “What’s next?” While school was great, no one ever told me life doesn’t end there. Life actually begins there. I was so terrified of taking any action toward my dreams that I settled for a mediocre existence. I was stuck.

I stopped writing. I stopped caring. I threw in the towel and dreaded walking into work every day because my passion had died at such a young age.

After a year of soul-searching, I realized my dreams hadn’t died. I had died and I had killed myself single-handedly. I never had a plan for after graduation so I froze in place.

If I could go back in time and talk to college age me I would tell her to start conjuring some master plan for becoming an awesome writer in the future. I would tell her to network while in college even if I didn’t feel like it.

The truth is, even if I had received such advice I probably would not have followed it. Life is funny like that. You have to fall multiple times to understand that falling hurts. Some falls teach us lessons while other falls simply remind us we are alive. 

I forgot I was alive. I forgot I had dreams. I forgot I was a writer. Not having a plan scared me. Not magically having a dream job lined up upon graduation terrified me. As a result, I retreated from my own life. I lost myself and everything I had ever worked for.

Once I realized the dream killer had been me all along, I took a step back and promised myself I would forever live a life full of passion and intensity. I would never let myself settle for less and I would follow my dreams every single day.

The first step toward change was identifying I was a murderer, the second step was setting out to make a change and the third step was becoming proactive in my decision to live. 

I started writing from my heart again. I started helping others write and find their own voice. I started publishing my truth and touching hearts with it. I started taking action each day to learn new concepts, technologies, and methods.

I finally came to the realization that learning doesn’t end after college. After learning from plenty of books it became time to finally start learning from myself.

I truly believe we all put on this earth to make a difference and my contribution will be in the form of written word.

Don’t let your dreams die. Don’t let yourself die. Don’t settle because things didn’t work out the way you thought they would. Be alive. Be proactive. Be passionate. Be ruthless. Be powerful.

Choose life. Choose knowledge. Choose growth.

 

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen