Why My 20s Are The Best And Worst Years Of My Life

best, fast, brain, 25, time, irony, naive,worst, 20, 30, 20s, 30s, life, grow, learn, limits, death, rock, bottom, test, age, time, lessons, know, knew, human, love, integrity, wrong, young, heart, I remember being 16. I remember being 11. Anything before that is a complete blur. And after 16, I just remember turning 20. At 20, I knew it all. I was invincible. I was all that and so much more. If someone called, I never answered. If someone wanted to tell me otherwise, I never listened.

21 was always near death. I was testing every and any limit. How much alcohol could my body take? How fast could my car go? How much abuse could my heart handle?

Thinking back, my early 20s were pretty horrific. If pain is glory, then my early 20s were pretty glorious. I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be. I had a plan I thought would one day magically come together but I was doing everything to keep that from happening. Ironic, huh?

My early 20s were full of irony. I was full of naivety.

At 21, I hit my rock bottom. By 22, I was trying to piece my life back together. I was more lost than I had ever been before. I wanted to meet rejects like me so I did. I hung out with them night and day and thought I was just like them. I was living a double-life as if I had learned absolutely nothing from my troubled past.

By 23, I was still stumbling. I kept falling like baby Bambi.

They say by 25 your brain stops developing and your values become set in stone. It’s true, by 25, I wanted life to hurry the f up. I was tired of making mistakes and decided it was time to settle down. My mind and body felt older than they ever had before. By this point, I knew who I was. I had become a person filled with love, happiness, and integrity.

How did that happen? From 23 to 25 I had grown up. I was still working at my kid job, but there I was, putting in my time and dedication. I learned that inconsistency was a thing of my past and that if you ever want to be respected you must be consistent in everything that you do.

One thing is for sure, I have never loved myself as much as I do today. I am now officially in my late 20s and so proud of my journey. I am proud of every one of my scars. I am proud of all the things I didn’t know that I eventually learned. I am looking forward to learning so much more, about not only myself but humanity in general.

My 20s have been turbulent, to say the least. They have been more beautiful than I ever thought they could be. They have taught me who I am and who I never want to be. They have shown me I am valuable, special and loved.

Above all, they have proved to me that I still have so much more to learn. And so much more to see, feel and listen to. And while I might think I have it all figured out now, I am sure my 30s will prove me to be extremely wrong.

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen

Why It’s So Hard To Let Go Of Your Past 

memories, past, let go, move on, present, love, enjoy, obsess, past, future, today, yesterday, nostalgia,

I am a happy person. I smile 90 percent of the day. I have all the things I have ever wanted. I am the woman I thought I could be someday.

I have it all.

Has it been easy? Well, that goes without saying… nothing good comes easy. In order to get the rainbow you must first get the storm, that’s for certain.

I was thinking about my past today. A lot of it is beautiful but a lot of it is extremely ugly and painful.

Lyrics get me. They cut me to the core and remind me of my past scars. Think about your past, think about your scars.

Are there some things you wish ended up differently? Are there some people you just miss even though they have already served their purpose? Do you sometimes wake up in the middle of the night forgetting who you are or mourning the person you once were?

Yea, that’s the human condition. It’s not always pretty, it’s not always simple and/or understandable but it is all we have.

I think of a girl who really hurt herself and others years ago and I sometimes even talk to her. I sometimes yell at her.

What the hell were you thinking?!

Why did you let another person define you?

Nostalgia comes with certain songs and places. Today, I am so proud that girl from the past is gone but she’s not forever erased, that’s for sure.

I used to be worse. I used to obsess over the past constantly which quickly led to depression and anxiety. It’s easy to obsess over the past when your present is not what you want.

I love my present but my past still seems to come up. It always will. It’s part of the puzzle that makes me up.

I used to blame others for my circumstance. I now understand I was really just upset with myself. I used to blame my past for my present but now I understand everything really does happen for a reason.

Could I be the extremely happy person I am today without becoming the horrible person I was some years ago? Could I appreciate all that surrounds me had I not detested and protested it in my past?

It’s hard to let go of the past because it distracts you from your present. The past can paralyze you if you let it.

It’s weird but I sometimes miss the ugliness of my past. There’s something beautiful about something so tragic. But I regress. I am a writer, I love writing about pain and human conditions.

I quickly have to remember how beautiful my life and my present is today. It’s great to write about all of it now, but do I really miss it?

Probably not.

I probably miss being so tormented because I had excuses for everything back then. I no longer do. My happiness depends on me. It doesn’t depend on my past or my merits, it depends on who and what I want to be today, right now.

So why is it so hard to let go of your past? It’s hard because it’s something else to concentrate on, it’s hard to let go of the past because sometimes the present isn’t exactly how you want it to be.

How about you figure out what can make you happy today by changing your current situation versus blaming your past circumstance?

It’s so easy to hold onto the past because of the fact that it already happened.  We can’t really analyze the future, can we?

It’s hard to let go of the past because of the fact that it’s like a movie you feel can be changed.

In reality you are who you are today because of the past that makes you you and there’s no need to there’s no reason to hold on to it like a crux. Instead, look at it as a piece of the bigger picture.

I know it’s easier said than done, but in order to fully enjoy the present moment, you must let go of the past.

Like I said, I still think about my past sometimes but there’s no need to obsess over it. I do not need to look back on it like it could have been changed. 

It becomes the game of what could’ve, should’ve, would’ve, might’ve, been, and that game is one nobody ever wins.

It’s not easy to move on from painful experiences but I do know there’s the possibility for every single human being to heal. Sometimes we need outside resources to help us do this and sometimes we can simply find healing within ourselves.

I know I am no longer a victim of my past but a warrior of my future.

 

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen

Are You Happy?

happiness, choose, happy, feel, look, love, find, story, fleeting, sad, fight, giggle, everydayMy mom sent me a quote the other day. It read: “You know those moments when you are desperately looking for your sunglasses and you realize they had been on your head the entire time? Yeah, something similar happens with happiness.”

I almost cried when I read this. Okay, I will admit it, I am an overly emotional 20-something. Even so, this quote made me feel all sorts of emotion because I wish someone had told me this when I was younger.

I wish I had realized happiness doesn’t have to look or feel a certain way.

Happiness is fleeting. Life is a series of happy and sad moments. There are moments where happiness lingers for longer and other moments where it seems like it never even existed

The hardest thing for me has been to learn to find happiness in places I never thought it could be found.

I once thought happiness would be attained when I was married and living behind a white picket fence. I lived most of my life thinking happiness was finite. I thought I could enter a room called “happiness” and never look back. I guess you could say I was extremely naive.

I now find happiness all around me. I find it in moments with family. I find it in the sparkle of an eye of a stranger. I find it in those unexplainable moments of kindness people offer up to me. I find it on those lazy Sunday mornings in bed. I find it in the coffee he makes me in the morning. I find it in those unexpected thoughtful gifts. I can honestly say I can find a glimpse of happiness in my everyday.

That is not to say my smile doesn’t hide a certain darkness or some skeletons, but I have risen above a lot of sadness. This didn’t happen overnight. This happened because one day I chose to let go of the heavy burdens I carried every second of my life. The burdens that restrained me from living a fulfilling life alongside happiness and joy.

I used to think I was my past. This kept me from finding true happiness in the present moment. I used to think that was what defined me, but guess what? It’s just a story. It’s my story and I can choose to share it with others if I like. I don’t feel shameful sharing bits of my past with others, but some moments are solely for me.

So instead of wallowing in my pain and disappointments, I choose happiness time and time again.

I choose to smile and giggle 90 percent of my day. Why? Because happiness begets love, kindness, peace, serenity, health, and oh so much more. 

I choose to redefine myself every moment that I wake. I do this by setting out to find happiness in new moments and places every single day. 

I fight for my happiness. Do you?

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen