Why I Don’t Care That I Crashed My Car

car, crash, alive, blessings, blessed, gratitude, safe, thankful, present, life, wake up, brain, off, on, work, new, transition, drive, scary, why, I, don't, careI started a new job recently and am over the moon about it. It is exactly what I wanted to do and my heart is filled with endless gratitude. With this new gig comes a new way of life. I have adjusted to waking up earlier than ever and not having the option of escaping an office at any sign of stress.

The transition has been much smoother than I thought it would be but having a desk job is definitely not my familiar. Driving used to be the norm for me. I was always filled with adrenaline while fighting traffic. Those days are over, and for that, I am grateful.

I only drive about 30 minutes a day now which is pretty awesome. But my desk job takes so much of my brain power, that by the time work is over my brain just doesn’t want to think anymore. It shuts off immediately. It’s kind of strange and scary.

I headed home the other day after a long day at work. I went to wash and detail my car and got into a car crash as I exited the car wash. I followed the person while shaking in my boots. I just kept hoping everyone in the other car was okay.

The other driver finally pulled over, after what felt like 10 minutes of following them. They were calmer than I was. I honestly didn’t care what the physical damage was. I just wanted to make sure everyone was safe and sound.

I’ve crashed before, but never into a person in a moving vehicle. In the past, I would have been hysterically crying about the damage to my car. I would not have cared about anything but the money it would cost to fix my car.

This time everything felt different. I didn’t care about petty personal property, I simply cared about all the humans involved. The dent in my car was meaningless. My car is new, but who really cares? All parties were safe and that is a miracle alone.

The movie “Crash” immediately came to mind after this incident. Was I so mentally tired after such a long day that I became numb before colliding with another driver? Was I involved in a crash so I could be reminded to wake up and simply feel something? 

Who knows.

What I do know is that I definitely woke up in that moment. I looked around and counted each of my blessings. The point is to count all of your blessings in this way on a daily basis, not simply after a horrific incident.

Staring death in the eye shouldn’t be the catalyst, you should be the catalyst. Be that person who wakes up and never forgets what they are grateful for. I admit I have to work on this throughout the day and during mundane tasks like driving home.

I don’t think I was present enough in that telling moment. I was mechanically driving, but my mind was in “off” mode. Let’s never be “off.” Life is too beautiful to forget to be present. Yes, it is easy to let our minds wander, but let’s make it a point to limit this.

Had my physical life ended in that moment, I would have nothing to show for it but a blank mind eager to enjoy a mindless evening.

My life is in transition and it more important than ever to stay present, in my life, my career, and all of my heartfelt relationships. Changes are never easy and this crash proves that. Just when I thought all the threat and danger of driving was gone, it came back to slap me in the face.

I must always remember that I am alive, I am powerful, I am loveable, I am valuable, and I must stay forever present.

Don’t fall asleep in your waking life, that is what dreaming is for.

Stay alive. Stay present. Stay thankful.

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen

Why It’s So Hard To Let Go Of Your Past 

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I am a happy person. I smile 90 percent of the day. I have all the things I have ever wanted. I am the woman I thought I could be someday.

I have it all.

Has it been easy? Well, that goes without saying… nothing good comes easy. In order to get the rainbow you must first get the storm, that’s for certain.

I was thinking about my past today. A lot of it is beautiful but a lot of it is extremely ugly and painful.

Lyrics get me. They cut me to the core and remind me of my past scars. Think about your past, think about your scars.

Are there some things you wish ended up differently? Are there some people you just miss even though they have already served their purpose? Do you sometimes wake up in the middle of the night forgetting who you are or mourning the person you once were?

Yea, that’s the human condition. It’s not always pretty, it’s not always simple and/or understandable but it is all we have.

I think of a girl who really hurt herself and others years ago and I sometimes even talk to her. I sometimes yell at her.

What the hell were you thinking?!

Why did you let another person define you?

Nostalgia comes with certain songs and places. Today, I am so proud that girl from the past is gone but she’s not forever erased, that’s for sure.

I used to be worse. I used to obsess over the past constantly which quickly led to depression and anxiety. It’s easy to obsess over the past when your present is not what you want.

I love my present but my past still seems to come up. It always will. It’s part of the puzzle that makes me up.

I used to blame others for my circumstance. I now understand I was really just upset with myself. I used to blame my past for my present but now I understand everything really does happen for a reason.

Could I be the extremely happy person I am today without becoming the horrible person I was some years ago? Could I appreciate all that surrounds me had I not detested and protested it in my past?

It’s hard to let go of the past because it distracts you from your present. The past can paralyze you if you let it.

It’s weird but I sometimes miss the ugliness of my past. There’s something beautiful about something so tragic. But I regress. I am a writer, I love writing about pain and human conditions.

I quickly have to remember how beautiful my life and my present is today. It’s great to write about all of it now, but do I really miss it?

Probably not.

I probably miss being so tormented because I had excuses for everything back then. I no longer do. My happiness depends on me. It doesn’t depend on my past or my merits, it depends on who and what I want to be today, right now.

So why is it so hard to let go of your past? It’s hard because it’s something else to concentrate on, it’s hard to let go of the past because sometimes the present isn’t exactly how you want it to be.

How about you figure out what can make you happy today by changing your current situation versus blaming your past circumstance?

It’s so easy to hold onto the past because of the fact that it already happened.  We can’t really analyze the future, can we?

It’s hard to let go of the past because of the fact that it’s like a movie you feel can be changed.

In reality you are who you are today because of the past that makes you you and there’s no need to there’s no reason to hold on to it like a crux. Instead, look at it as a piece of the bigger picture.

I know it’s easier said than done, but in order to fully enjoy the present moment, you must let go of the past.

Like I said, I still think about my past sometimes but there’s no need to obsess over it. I do not need to look back on it like it could have been changed. 

It becomes the game of what could’ve, should’ve, would’ve, might’ve, been, and that game is one nobody ever wins.

It’s not easy to move on from painful experiences but I do know there’s the possibility for every single human being to heal. Sometimes we need outside resources to help us do this and sometimes we can simply find healing within ourselves.

I know I am no longer a victim of my past but a warrior of my future.

 

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen

Why I Live For The Weekend

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We all have our reasons to live. Some have kids, others have businesses, and some even live for their significant others.

I support all reasons to live and excuses to give and try a little harder. I have many reasons to live but today I have to talk about the main reason I make it Monday through Friday.

At 20 something, I can honestly say my weekends have always meant different things to me at different points in my life. While in college, weekends were a reason to party, while in grad school, weekends were the days to get all my errands done.

Much has changed in my late 20s.

I work a job that requires extensive driving. I love the freedom but can’t deny the fact that it is taxing on my body. Things are finally starting to hurt. Wrinkles are starting to form and stress can be difficult to avoid on some days.

My mind and body require a reset in order to effectively function. I work out often and eat right (most of the time). I try to keep my body working like a fine-tuned machine at all times. And while I do all that is possible to reset during the week, my body requires so much more.

Call me “old” or call me “boring” but my weekends are my time to sleep!

I used to think those “weekend warrior” shirts were stupid but things have changed. I am that person. This might change the moment I have kids or the moment I get married, but for now I am loving and looking forward to all that is weekend and weekend-related.

When I used my weekends as full errand days all of my days would mesh into one and that became real old real quick. Studies show that people live more fulfilling lives if they constantly look forward to something. My “somethings” are the weekends.

I wake up somewhere between 11 to noon. I often have my boyfriend serve me breakfast in bed. I then watch mindless crime shows and think about all the things I don’t need to do that day. Some weekends I work out both days, while other weekends require pure couch vegetation.

No matter what type of weekend it is, I love and savor every moment of it. I take in every moment I get to spend with loved ones, and that alone is my reason to live today.

Some weekends I have saved for just myself and those can also be just as special. While some people require extensive vacations, I simply require beautiful weekends.

Today is Friday and this weekend seems extremely promising. Some errands are unfortunately involved tomorrow, but after that it just going to be a lot of hibernation and good food.

Cheers to your weekend! Cheers to my weekend! Cheers to life!

Love Deeply and Forever,

Karen