I have been reflecting a lot on my past recently. Mostly because my little sister is 20 and is going through some of the things I already went through. I wonder if I could have been hurt less had I known then what I know now. Of course, this is a mind game I will never win. What is done is done, and there are few, if any, regrets in my life.
I have always been a little bit of an odd ball. The girl who was never Hispanic or “White” enough. And while I wish I could say I have never wanted to please people, I always tried my best to fit in.
This means I subconsciously tried pleasing people along the way. If fitting in meant following the leader of my group or losing a few friends to stay loyal to another friend, I often chose such routes.
As a 20-something year old, I find myself with a handful of true “friends.” I choose quality over quantity now and my life has never been full of so much love.
So why am I such a loner now, you ask? I decided one day I would flip a switch and become a total bitch. I own this title only because of the fact that being a bitch to me simply means saying “no.”
I don’t beat around the bush. I don’t bullshit people left and right when I don’t want to do something. I just say “no.” I still struggle with saying “no” to my friends and family. Obviously, I still have a heart, but I also have to do what is best for me sometimes.
I stand strong in my convictions and being a bitch just comes with the territory. I recently tried the killing people with kindness thing and it worked out really well until it didn’t.
I have an acquaintance who just couldn’t read between my “sweet” lines. I gave a suggestion and they simply told me to go ahead and take my own suggestion.
I was in shock. My jaw dropped to the floor as I realized I have to now be a bitch in every social area of my life. Maybe I will have more haters than usual, but at least I will stay true to myself.
Okay, so maybe I don’t have to be a total bitch, but I will definitely be as direct as possible when I want something done. I will continue saying “no” when I mean it and I will no longer ask people to think about doing things, I will simply command they do them.
I am much too old to be playing the teeny bopper card. I have to own up to not only what I don’t want, but also what I do want.