How I Pulled Myself Out of a Depressive-Anxiety Loopfeatured

I haven’t written to you in a while. And while I would like to say I was exploring complex cultures overseas somewhere, that simply was not the case. I was busy living in a depressive state riddled with anxiety. It was completely unexpected, but it came like a big, crashing wave and enveloped my entire body.

I was crying every night and felt helpless. While in this crippling world, I questioned my worth and my choices. Over and over and over again. There really seemed to be no end in sight. I wanted to make rash decisions, yet I was also feeling too broken to make any decision at all.

It reminded me of being in college the first week of school with a pile of syllabi… It reminded me of having no friends on my first day of middle school.

But these feelings hit different in your mid 30s – just when you thought these gross little feelings were contained to a neat little box you could hideaway at any moment, they show up ready to take you down faster and harder than ever before.

Suddenly, you have all the wisdom and all of the tools, yet none of that is enough to push the old anxieties away. This time around, you get frustrated because you know you should know better… You feel dumb because all you want to do is just call your mom. But you also don’t want to worry her, or anyone else for that matter, because who wants to talk to a downer?

The loop continued looping, and enough was enough. I began running into everyone’s arms who would open them up for me.

I had friends text me, and I asked them if I could call instead because I was in the midst of a crying spell and needed someone to tell me it would be okay. I phoned every friend possible, I called my mom, texted my dad, my sister, and showed my partner parts of me I usually keep to myself.

All of these people were not bothered; all of these people did not begin thinking less of me. They gathered around me and held my pain with me because it was too much for me to carry alone.

And after weeks of this, fewer tears began showing up. It wasn’t because all of the anxiety magically went away…

It was because my team showed up and let me know it was okay to feel, and it was okay to feel less than.

But they also told me they had felt exactly as I did at some point in their lives, and they survived it. The pressure valve had been released, and they were there for that moment as I poured out all of my fears. Some people prayed with me, while others told me they were calling upon their militia to help us fight off the proverbial enemy together.

And little by little, I built my armor with little bits of wisdom gathered from all of the people who love me and have believed in me at some point in my life.

I am not completely in the clear (are we ever?), but I do feel a bit stronger each moment. Not because I hid away all my sadness, but because I allowed others to see it, feel it, and hold it with me.

The tears kept coming early on because there seemed to be no other way to release the painful pressure. Once I let my team know I needed them to show up for me, they provided more than a vessel for my tears but a safe container overflowing with words of encouragement, uplifting memories, empathy, constructive anecdotes, and so much more.

Sometimes it takes phoning a friend you haven’t seen in a while, going to church with loved ones, running into someone’s arms with tears running down your face to fully embrace humanness in its rawest form.

Texts are just not enough. Doom-scrolling will never be the answer.

Human voices.

Stories of resilience.

Validation of feelings.

Empathetic hearts.

Collective strength.

Falling to your knees and letting others hold you while you kneel there.

…these are the places where true love lives.

And when you call upon your team to show you love in action, they can hold up a mirror to you to help you rise stronger than ever before.

Love Deeply and Forever (this Valentine’s weekend and beyond),