Why You Should Never Tell People to “Move On”featured

I just said my final goodbye to my boyfriend of 3 and a half years. I knew when I met him he was not good for me. But I was convinced that I could change him-classic turn the frog into a prince syndrome. I sit breathlessly, keys still in the ignition, parked outside my house replaying the words his mom just said to me in my head: “I love you but you two need to end this now or one of you will end up very hurt or dead.”

That was the beginning of my transformation. I didn’t know it then but I surely know it now. In that moment, however, I was broken and no one and nothing would ever be able to fix me.

It was easy for people to tell me to move on after the fact. Friends offered many tips on how I could move on quicker and some even tried to get me on ChristianMingle.com to speed up the process. I read endless self-help books and cheesy Cosmopolitan articles. I was hopeless but hopeful all at the same time.

Why is the endgame always to “move on quickly” or to “move on from this?” When did getting obsessed with the next best thing become a productive or healthy way to process through emotions or trauma?

During my most excruciating moments, as I rehabbed from a treacherous relationship, the words “Oh, you’ll get past this and move on” held as much weight as “I’m sorry” did when my first pet was poisoned to death as a kid.

I wish I could say my abusive ex was something I simply moved on from in a matter of days but that was not and still is not the case.

There are some wounds that never heal. You can cover them up with makeup all you want but they are always there and you can always feel their depth.

I am still healing to this day. It took a lot of soul-searching me for me to realize that I would never truly move on but rather continue discovering lessons about myself as a result of my unique experience. I have transformed as a result of my weaker moments and realized things I would have never discovered had my heart not been punctured so deeply.

The phrase “moving on” seems irrelevant when applying it to being a willing participant in a hostile relationship for years on end.

When a mom loses a child… When a husband loses a wife… When a son is abandoned by his mother… When a person is betrayed by their best friend… Do they ever really move on?

Some days are better than others. Some days take you right back to the moment when you first experienced the trauma. Some days you are more distracted than others and you get a brief intermission from the pain.

You can definitely learn how to navigate your emotions but there’s never a true “moving on” moment. There’s never a moment when you truly forget how you felt, what you experienced, how it changed you, how it made you.

Everything you do will is affected by your past experiences. They are the thread that weave the fabric of your soul.

Even if you manage to distract yourself for a few fleeting moments, your whole belief system is built upon your individual experiences and what and how they all made you feel.

So no, don’t tell me to “move on,” tell me to feel deeply so that I can better understand myself and identify when something does and does not serve me.

Love Deeply and Forever,

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